Am so sick of this

I've always had a problem with my weight. For as long as I can remember I've been chubbier than the rest, having to watch what I eat and trying to stay in some sort of routine. Some years ago I went to Jenny Craig and that worked great, I got down to the lowest weight I've ever been in my adult life. But then came Christmas, and after that I found it difficult to stop snacking on bad things. Then I moved out of home and it was easier to get fast food or to cook things that came from "instant" packages and slowly the weight crept back on.

About a year ago I realised just how big I had become. I went back to Jenny Craig, but I couldn't afford to do eat their food every day of the week so I only lost a few kilos and it took ages and was costing me a lot. Then I had to move to Berri, and I could no longer afford any days on the program. I got into a great routine after a couple of months here. I'd get up in the morning, do half an hour of aerobics, go to work, come home and do 30 mintes of yoga, then later in the night get on the exercise bike for 30 minutes. After about 6 weeks I had lost inches but hadn't technically lost any weight and that made it hard for me to stay motivated.

A trip to Townsville was coming and I wanted to be thinner, so I took those "legalised speed" tablets. They helped me drop almost 10 kilos quite fast, but they kept me awake, and I had no energy to exercise anymore. After getting off the tablets back in June, I would hop on my bike every now and then but there was no routine, and I found myself taking comfort in bad foods since the tablets weren't in my system to tell my body I didn't need any more food.

And so, as a result of all this shit, I'm really unhappy with myself again. This seems to be a neverending fucking battle, I hate that some people find this so easy. Food rules my damn life! Yesterday morning I put on these pants I'd bought back in June and only wore maybe 3 weeks ago and they were so damn tight I had to find something else to wear. I've only had them for 3 months!! Ok, I am a little bloated because of PMS but that's no excuse. It's times like this I hate myself, I hate this weakness I've had my entire life and wonder when I'll ever have the damn strength to stick to my plans.

I don't need advice, I don't need someone to ask if I really need to eat that, I don't need offerings of help, because there is nothing anyone else can do or say to actually help me. This struggle is internal, I need personal strength to deal with this, so please, this is one of those moments where I just need someone to listen, not to offer advice.

The number one thing I must try and do to change things is believe in myself. There is no reason why I can't get up earlier to try and get into some routine again, to go to the supermarket and buy real food instead of spending almost all my money on skincare and then relying on my parents to feed me, because I rarely get good food from them. There is no reason why I can't go to Adelaide and have a bit of takeaway on occasion with Ivan, but I need to stop when my stomach is satisfied, not overeat to the point I do. There is no reason why I can't say No when my parents offer me bad food. There is no reason why I can't take control of this aspect of my life and feel happy with myself. Somehow I will get the strength.