*yawn*

I am so incredibly bored. Today is just dragging on because I know it's my last day in the office for the week. I have a meeting in Adelaide tomorrow afternoon, so I'll be driving there tomorrow morning, and it's a long weekend, so yay!!! So, in anticipation, today is dragging its fat ass.

Aside from work I have been keeping to myself a bit this week, not logging on to chat as much, partly because of the fact I have almost used my monthly download limit and I have a Desert Combat scrim on tonight so I had to save a bit for that. But also because my hard drive is filling up with movies, my bedside table is overflowing with unread books, and the house has needed cleaning, so I've been doing a bit of everything in the evenings in the last few days.

I finished reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone and Bronwyn promptly gave me the next book in the series, the Chamber of Secrets. I think she is still in shock that I had never read a Harry Potter book before and so she's going to make me read them all. Not that I mind, they were quite good. I did just start a John Marsden book though, called Tomorrow, When The War Began, which I'm really enjoying so I think I'll finish that off first.

As for movies, I've had both of the Bourne movies taking up space so I've watched those which were really good too. On top of that, The Sims 2 has been filling in any other spare time I happened to have had, and my little family is going well so far although I am expecting some disaster. And, finally, because the weather was so beautiful yesterday, I was inspired to get the vacuum out and do some housework. I didn't end up mopping though, so it's only a half-done job, and I can't see myself going home and doing it tonight.

Anyway, so that's how I've been filling in my time at home. Here at work I've spent far too much time browsing the internet and I want to go home now please :D

Am so sick of this

I've always had a problem with my weight. For as long as I can remember I've been chubbier than the rest, having to watch what I eat and trying to stay in some sort of routine. Some years ago I went to Jenny Craig and that worked great, I got down to the lowest weight I've ever been in my adult life. But then came Christmas, and after that I found it difficult to stop snacking on bad things. Then I moved out of home and it was easier to get fast food or to cook things that came from "instant" packages and slowly the weight crept back on.

About a year ago I realised just how big I had become. I went back to Jenny Craig, but I couldn't afford to do eat their food every day of the week so I only lost a few kilos and it took ages and was costing me a lot. Then I had to move to Berri, and I could no longer afford any days on the program. I got into a great routine after a couple of months here. I'd get up in the morning, do half an hour of aerobics, go to work, come home and do 30 mintes of yoga, then later in the night get on the exercise bike for 30 minutes. After about 6 weeks I had lost inches but hadn't technically lost any weight and that made it hard for me to stay motivated.

A trip to Townsville was coming and I wanted to be thinner, so I took those "legalised speed" tablets. They helped me drop almost 10 kilos quite fast, but they kept me awake, and I had no energy to exercise anymore. After getting off the tablets back in June, I would hop on my bike every now and then but there was no routine, and I found myself taking comfort in bad foods since the tablets weren't in my system to tell my body I didn't need any more food.

And so, as a result of all this shit, I'm really unhappy with myself again. This seems to be a neverending fucking battle, I hate that some people find this so easy. Food rules my damn life! Yesterday morning I put on these pants I'd bought back in June and only wore maybe 3 weeks ago and they were so damn tight I had to find something else to wear. I've only had them for 3 months!! Ok, I am a little bloated because of PMS but that's no excuse. It's times like this I hate myself, I hate this weakness I've had my entire life and wonder when I'll ever have the damn strength to stick to my plans.

I don't need advice, I don't need someone to ask if I really need to eat that, I don't need offerings of help, because there is nothing anyone else can do or say to actually help me. This struggle is internal, I need personal strength to deal with this, so please, this is one of those moments where I just need someone to listen, not to offer advice.

The number one thing I must try and do to change things is believe in myself. There is no reason why I can't get up earlier to try and get into some routine again, to go to the supermarket and buy real food instead of spending almost all my money on skincare and then relying on my parents to feed me, because I rarely get good food from them. There is no reason why I can't go to Adelaide and have a bit of takeaway on occasion with Ivan, but I need to stop when my stomach is satisfied, not overeat to the point I do. There is no reason why I can't say No when my parents offer me bad food. There is no reason why I can't take control of this aspect of my life and feel happy with myself. Somehow I will get the strength.

Monday already?

Where did the weekend go?! I can't believe I'm already back here at work, the weekend absolutely flew! So, a brief rundown of what I got up to, seeing as nothing exciting has happened today to write about.

I got there on Friday, same as always. Ivan had gotten a new game, I can't remember the exact name of it now but I think it was Star Wars Battlefront, but anyway it was awesome!! It's sorta like Battlefield 1942 but on Star Wars maps and they look amazing. It appealed to my geeky Star Wars receptors :)

On Saturday morning I had some running around to do and then the state pretty much stopped for the Port Adelaide Vs Brisbane Lions AFL Grand Final!! Alex came over for the game and it was a pretty good afternoon. I must admit though, I was barracking for Brisbane so I was a bit disappointed that Port won but ah well. That evening I went to a BBQ to meet a few online people, so I picked up Solaris and went to Velox and Porthos' place (not their real names obviously haha). It was a really good night actually, and oh man, Velox made the best BBQ I have ever had in my entire life. I must try his cooking ways one day (although it does mean firing up the BBQ which is silly unless I have someone over). I got home about 11:30pm and Alex was still over. We're going to a LAN this coming weekend where Tiger Woods Golf will be played and seeing as we didn't want to be retarded on the day we loaded it up and had a few games. It was quite funny until we all learned how to play, we were all equally bad at first I think :)

On Sunday I didn't do much except watch a bit of motorsport on the tv, visit my parents and then drive home. It was so freaking hot here in Berri yesterday, apparently it got up to 36, so when I got home it was still 30 and the house was yucky and hot. So I didn't get much sleep last night, but today is only 16 degrees so things will hopefully be a bit more restful now.

Anyway I hope everyone had a good weekend!

Friday is a little on the nose

The office is extremely smelly today! It started to smell yesterday and we thought maybe something had died in the airconditioning vents so we turned it off and opened up all the windows, but because we had to have them closed overnight the place stinks again today!!! You go out for lunch, come back in and the smell hits you like... well, a bad smell. The boss has been up to look at the vents and nothing has died. Apparently the inlet is near some sewerage thing and on still days the smell gets into the building. Oh lovely!

Believe it or not, that's about the most exciting thing that's happened up to this point today. I'm so happy it's Friday and I get to go home this weekend and these last couple of hours before I leave will probably drag on because there's not much to do! Ah well, better get back to the filing I suppose.

A letter I once wrote

I'm not sure if it's just something girls do. Back in school, even though I would see my friends every day, sometimes we would write each other letters, handing them over the morning we got to school or something. Like I said, we saw each other every day, but the letters allowed us to share deeper thoughts, or sometimes they'd just be more about the boys we liked or something.

I'm a sentimental person and so I still have these shoeboxes of letters (each shoebox assigned to a different person) but when I moved out of home they stayed at my parent's place, and to my knowledge, that's where they still are, so it's been a long time since I pulled out a box and decided to have a read through for a bit of a laugh.

Yesterday I got an email from my oldest friend (oldest as in length of time, not age) Michelle and it made me so happy because it reminded me of those days I wish we were reliving. Back then, the biggest problem we'd face was who was going to be whose best friend and if that boy liked us back. I've been re-reading it because it makes me so happy, so I thought I'd share what she wrote...

I've been meaning to tell you that I know your budget is tight and all, but I have evidence of a letter that you wrote to me about 10 years ago - BUT IT'S SIGNED!! that you will pay for me to fly to America!!! SO, the next question is, when's a good time for you to go!!

Well, we can always dream :)

The season hits!

Well as it actually starts to get warm for Spring I'm reminded why this is my favourite season but in many ways why I also don't like it so much. The hayfever has begun! Thankfully it hasn't been too bad yet, just sneezing and sniffling, no itchy eyes or scratchy throat yet, but geez I hate hayfever. If it weren't for that Spring would be amazing. I love that after the Winter rains everything is beautiful and green, plants are beautiful in bloom, and yes, even the odd pot plant I have that hasn't died is looking good.

But the heat sorta came from nowhere and I think it's made a few people around here feel a bit run down. Yesterday was 33C and today they're expecting 32 before a late change, and it's all a bit sudden when a week ago I'd be shivering. It must have stirred up the beasties too, because last night there was the first spider of the season in my spare room. Joy. Naturally I freaked out and sprayed the crap out of it, and then spent the rest of the night glancing at the walls, looking for more. Man I hate spiders.

But Spring is great! (Really).

Nobody likes a sad panda

During a conversation last night, I came to a realisation. No matter how depressed you might be feeling, it's best to keep it to yourself and pretend to be the happy person people want you to be. This became apparent a few months ago, when that medication effected my moods. Normally I'm a happy person but from time to time, as probably happens with most people, I get really depressed about general things. It's not usually anything in particular, I just get those days or weeks even where I reflect on all the things wrong in my life and get depressed. Almost everyone I know goes through these patches every now and then, and it's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just something you need to get through and not dwell on. But take my advice - during those times, keep the information to yourself. That way, people won't abandon you, think you're a lesser person, take it personally, talk about you behind your back, avoid talking to you, etc etc etc... Just pretend everything is fine. This all happened to me back around April/May, and it took me all this time to realise it. Better to pretend than be left alone. When you overcome the mood, and you're back to being your happy self, it becomes apparent that people are much more eager to actually talk to you rather than about you.

Oh, now I'd better lighten up this entry in true pretender fashion! So the weather is beautiful and work is flying, and Survivor is back on tonight. Can life get any better?

Ok so I ran out of time!

So much for me updating this while I was in Adelaide last week, no matter, just that now this will be another long and boring blog! Sorry to make you guys suffer. Actually come to think of it, it may not be too long at all, although lots of days have passed, the amount I did was nothing that spectacular.

Working in Adelaide for the two days last week was really good, probably because of the fact that we didn't do a lot. In total, four of us from the Berri office went down there to help them get things done on the system and on they didn't really have a lot ready for us to do. So we finished early on both days, had yummy lunches and spent some time looking around the shops. The weeknights were generally quiet. Being that the Battlefield 1942 clan Ivan and I were both in split, we're now in different clans and it just so happened that our two clans met in one of the Finals on Thursday night. The clan I'm in won, but I didn't play so it was kinda bittersweet.

Before we knew it the weekend had arrived! During the week I'd received my credit card statement and saw that there was an extra charge on there from my beauty therapist which I couldn't recall, so I called them and they refunded my money. But methinks I annoyed them a bit, because on Saturday I went in for a skin peel which I've been getting done for ages now and they must've upped the strength. It was really painful and my face got all red and sore which had never happened before. Then last night when I went to wash my face before bed I saw my skin was all flakey and gross. It was still like it this morning but seems to have calmed down a bit now, thank goodness. Weird!

Anyway Saturday night we got together for Mum's 50th Birthday. She didn't want a part and only wanted to spend time with the family so we went to this Chinese restaurant and had the banquet and stuffed ourselves silly. In fact, almost all my time in Adelaide I was stuffing myself silly. Hmm, being that it's getting warmer now I really should stop doing that so I can lose this stubborn weight, but easier said than done really.

Sunday was the usual quiet, get as much sleep as I can before I drive home, sort of day. I had all these plans to get lots of reading and housework done when I got home but Ivan got this CSI game for the computer and I finished it last night, hehehe. When I find a good thing I stick to it (like chocolate, for example).

Anyway, better get back to what little work I have!

Soooo, what's been happening?

Well I'll be off to Adelaide again this afternoon so I figured I should fill in whatever reader(s) I have as to what's been going on. Well, apart from the loss of Travel Duck, things have been a bit all over the place since the weekend.

On Friday I went to Adelaide as usual and must have twisted something as I was packing up my car as I got some major backpain down one side all weekend and took Monday off to spend the day in bed and recover. In fact, on Monday I didn't even get out of my pyjamas, it was a great day, but I digress. I don't remember doing any weird twisting as I was packing up my car to go, but I must have, because not only did my back hurt for days afterwards but also my crapola knee (you know, the one that always seems to want to dislocate) is all puffed up and a wee bit tender. It's either I did something, or I'm getting old, and I just refuse to believe that!

So anyway, Friday night Alex was over and kindly shouted us some Hungry Jacks (bless him) then we had a night of Monopoly Tycoon. I discovered that Ivan plays differently when he has a friend there and was a downright PRICK (he he) so methinks we won't be playing that again for a while, for the sake of our relationship :D

Oh, while I'm at it, here's an example of what a legend Alex (a.k.a pacer) is. Despite being really really bad at Monopoly Tycoon, I can't believe his generosity (which, incidentally, might be why he's bad at Monopoly - you can't be a generous person and win that game). As everyone knows my budget is tight and so for the last couple of years I've been playing bf1942 using one of Alex's friend's CD key, who said I could because he never played online. But now the guy got ADSL, wants to play online, and I guess Alex felt bad for me so he went and BOUGHT ME THE GAME!!! And it came with BOTH EXPANSIONS!!! What an awesome guy!!!

Anywhoozles, so then on Saturday we had a LAN at Phil's place which wasn't too bad, it's been over 4 months since our last LAN and I like catching up with Phil, Paul, Jason, etc. In hindsight we didn't play that many games from memory, we just seemed to play the same ones for a few hours but it was still quite good. It was a late one so Sunday was quiet until I drove home, and then yeah, had Monday off and spent the day alternating between sleeping, reading and logging on.

So I'll be leaving here in a few hours to have some extra time in Adelaide this week. When they tried to convert data from the old database to the new one there were lots of problems so a few of us are going down to help them enter all the data manually. Gonna be a crappy couple of days work-wise but at least I'll be in Adelaide! Will try and write more over the next couple of days...

An ode to Travel Duck

A couple of weekends ago, when Ivan picked up Dad and I from the Royal Show, we were taking forever to get out of the car, piling out with our hands full of showbags and all the wine, cheese and smallgoods we had bought, and Ivan rushed to open the front door for us and forgot about locking his car.

So, as is always the case, the one time the car doesn't get locked is the one time some bored kids come by and decide to steal some things. We figure they were kids because there were other things in the car which would have been of more value to an adult, such as a toolbox, radio and street directory, but all that was taken was a bunch of CDs (most of them burnt, a couple of originals) and Travel Duck.

Travel Duck was the name we'd given to this little toy duck Ivan has had for years (even before I knew him) which stayed in his car. Travel Duck loved staring out of the car window and visiting all sorts of places around the state and we're more upset at him being stolen than at anything else.

Why would someone steal one of those fluffy toys on the dashboard of a car? What irritates us is that whoever took it might like it for a couple of weeks and then will just throw him away, and that sucks because we loved travel duck!

We will always remember :(

Chocolate overdose!

Usually when I'm in Adelaide I eat quite well, and then I come back to Berri and there are far too many unhealthy options with chips and chocolates in the lunch room. This has been the main contributing factor in me putting on 4 kilos since I stopped taking those tablets in June. So, with the scales confirming my blimpiness I thought "My God, woman, do something before you can no longer walk up those stairs!!".

So this week I've been the epitomy of healthy, a true example to all those people struggling. I've been cooking good food for myself, taking lunch to work with me as well as healthy snacks like fruits, actually putting lettuce in my sandwiches and even *gasp* ruling out my daily Chocolate Quik. And, thinking back to the days not so long ago that I did an hour and a half of exercise 5 days a week, I thought I could at least hop on my exercise bike for half an hour during my TV time, so I did.

But this weekend looks to be the opposite to my normal weekends in Adelaide - Hungry Jacks tonight, pizzas, chips and Coke tomorrow, and lots of sitting on my butt at a LAN. I know, I know, it sounds like a dream weekend, and it is, but my health receptors were thinking I'd have to work twice as hard next week to work it all off. So, in preparation, half a block of chocolate was had for lunch. Ah yes, my sweet nectar, how I have missed you. Let's never fight again!

Oh to be a US citizen!

I wish I lived in the States, I know who I'd vote for over there if I did, whereas I have no idea who to vote for here in my own country. I saw this a few days ago and thought it was one of the best things I've ever read, enjoy :)

Is it humanly possible...

...to actually forgive and forget? I'm 25 years old and I still haven't figured out how to properly do this. You always hear guys complaining about how, when arguing with their girlfriends, the girl will always bring up something the guy said or did ages ago, something he thought was long gone and forgotten. I'm guilty of doing this, although I am trying not to. I saw my Dad do it to my Mum a couple of weeks back when they had that argument - bringing something up that she had done years ago. At the time I told him that was just wrong - if you say you've forgiven someone for doing something then you don't bring it up again and again. But I'm guilty of doing just that, how hypocritical!

And the thing is, I have no idea how to stop this. I can take a fair bit and will forgive the person. Or at least, I want to. But then you get days like yesterday. I was bored here at work (a common theme) and had way too much time on my hands, so I decided to clean out my emails. I didn't realise that I had kept some from a bad time I went through a few months ago, and instead of just deleting them I read them. Why did I subject myself to the hurt I knew they'd bring?? I don't understand why I would do that, or what goes through my head sometimes. So then, ofcourse, I got upset and went home feeling really down and depressed. But for what? Everyone involved has worked hard to move past that, so why bring up all that pain again?

So, have I really forgiven these people, or is it just that I wanted to? I would like to think that I have forgiven them, but it's hard to know. Do I just need to separate the forgiveness from the forgetting? I would love to forget, I want that more than anything, but it just isn't going to happen, which I presume is normal. Maybe that's the key, not even putting forgive and forget into the same sentence, because it's just not humanly possible...

PS Don't worry, I'm fine, these are just random thoughts I needed to get out.

Happy (Belated) Father's Day!

Whoops, I should have updated this a few days ago to wish any dads out there a Happy Father's Day but better late than never! Hope lots of socks and jocks were given as gifts in true Father's Day tradition!

The last few days have flown and I'm going to try and not log on from home tonight so I can just have some "me time" to recover. Friday was the usual - come to work, leave early, drive to Adelaide and try and do as little as possible.

The Royal Adelaide Show is on at the moment so I went with Dad to that on Saturday. It was supposed to be a sort of present for him but he ended up spending money on me so that didn't exactly go to plan (but I'm not complaining). We got there at about 11:30am and did the whole pavilion thing which is actually pretty good with my dad because we love looking at the same things and get bored by the same things. In true Mel tradition I had to go to the dairy pavilion and try out lots of cheeses (and buy some) and then dad had to go elsewhere and try out assorted smallgoods. Then we both went on this Wine Tasting thing and both had to try and buy some wine, ofcourse. We went and checked out the Wool Fashion Parade which was more like a burlesque show (they're getting a bit risque with those parades), the Holden Precision Driving Team (which even though they do the same tricks every year, it was still pretty cool) and a bit of the woodchopping. We finished off the day by going to the Showbag Hall where I was reminded why I hate crowds and, well, masses of people in general, although it was kinda funny to hear the mums going crazy at their kids and wanting to get out of there! I don't know when we made it home but I was stuffed!

That night Ivan (bravely) had a game against me in Monopoly Tycoon for old time's sake, and I say bravely because it normally ends in me getting pissed off at him, but we actually had a good game, hehehe. Unfortunately he ended up winning on the last day which was annoying but it was my own fault, was fun anyway :)

With Father's Day actually falling on Sunday Ivan left before me to go and see his dad and I left a couple of hours later. We didn't do too much except have lunch together and then I came back to Berri.

Work is still slow because we are still offline after all this time, and at home nothing exciting has been happening besides reading and logging on. It's once again time for me to use one of my favourite lines from Bridget Jones' Diary, say it with me people... "What a gripping life you do lead"

Random thoughts for the day

• I really should go to bed earlier
• My floor desperately needs vacuuming
• Why are my poor pot plants dying?
• I really need to clean my car, inside and out
• That dent I put on the passenger side door irritates me every time I see it
• It's Spring and yet still freezing at night, have to get the gas bottle refilled to prevent from freezing again tonight
• My parents gave me car seat covers for Christmas I still haven't put on
• I cleared my closet when I moved but I think it's time to get rid of a few more clothes that haven't seen the light of day for a long time
• Ok, enough's enough. I have to clean out all the drawers in my house. I still haven't found the remote control to the TV in my bedroom which has been AWOL since I moved, and now the guide to the DVD player is missing...
• I need to find a Calendar program for my computer, lots of things to try and remember
• I want my computer upgrade to have been done yesterday
• Oh, it's pay day, yay!!!
• Blegh, why didn't I sniff the milk before I poured it onto my Chocolate Quik?
• Shocking headache, I hope Bron has some tablets...

Back to Berri

Well about 10 minutes after I posted that last entry an email came through from Adelaide about the course going ahead, so I only just got back to Berri this afternoon.

The weekend wasn't too bad, but even with the extra couple of days there the time flew. The upside to me being back at work is that now I have time to update my blog, hehehe. Here's a warning, this might be a bit of a long one and somewhat more personal, so if you're not in the mood for that don't read on.

I can't believe someone is actually still reading on! Anyway got into town on Friday afternoon as usual, and, as usual, stopped in to see the family on the way, but the visit didn't go so well. It was one of those nights where I am reminded why I'm glad I no longer live at home, and, as was always the case, it's not the way my parents treat us, their children, but rather each other. I'm not sure whether it's that European blood or not but my Dad likes to drink a fair bit and it's been an issue for as long as I can remember, and this was one of those times. I guess being an adult now I can sit back and see what he does, and my God, that man knows how to rile my Mum up. Mum's birthday is in a couple of weeks and we'd picked out where to go for dinner weeks ago, but apparently all week Dad had been complaining about it. And, in true Dad fashion, it then goes beyond that matter to everything he can think of under the sun to pick a fight about, we all get upset and teary, and it's another one of those things Dad will never apologise for or possibly even think about afterwards.

So I was glad to get home to Ivan, and Alex (Pacer) was over so it helped to cheer me up. We just got some pizzas and the guys had a Battlefield 1942 game on and then we loaded up some Need For Speed: Underground so it turned out to be an ok night. On Saturday I had a bit of running around to do as I always seem to on a Saturday and then caught up with my friend Misch who I haven't seen for months so that was pretty good. We met up at a Cafe in Norwood and, being Saturday night, there were a fair few people around and I realised how damn old I am! Damn younguns! Sunday was a clean-up day and we didn't do much else. I got stacks of reading done, I just bought the book Fight Club and took it with me and ended up finishing it by Sunday night. Fantastic book, the movie was ok but didn't really do it justice. I can't believe it was the author's first book, it's written so damn well.

The training on Monday and Tuesday was actually really interesting for a change. It basically went through the legalities of what we do as a Department and why we keep certain records, which can be a pretty dry subject but the speakers were excellent and kept everyone interested. The training was held at the Hilton which, being a 5-star place, I would never get the chance to visit regularly (we had our Year 12 formal there but that doesn't count) so I was loving it. And work paid for our yummy lunches and morning teas so having great food to break up the days made them even better. I have a bit of an arch-nemesis at another office, this girl who I think is a real condescending bitch who's difficult to deal with, and she was there, and I almost fell out of my chair when she sat next to me! Maybe I'm the one with the problem? Nah...

So, um, that's about it. Sorry this entry was all over the place but that's what you get when you don't update for a few days :)