Over it

It’s amazing how quickly my mood can drop with one single phone call to mum. I simply don’t understand alcoholism, so I don’t understand why dad keeps doing this. He went for two weeks this time without drinking. Despite this happening before, and then him going on another bender, I stupidly, naively, thought that this time maybe things might be different. I don’t know why I keep thinking that. Each time I do, I just get disappointed, and this was no exception. I stupidly thought that maybe this time, he might realise how destructive his behaviour is and how it is tearing the family apart, and that we all love him if he just behaved like he used to. Clearly I was wrong.

And I don’t understand the addiction, I just don’t. It just makes me angry. I just keep asking myself, is life with us so awful that he needs to keep pushing us away? What have we done? We’ve shed so many tears, had so many sleepless nights, hell, I’ve even cleaned up his vomit on more than one occasion, and for what? Does he even acknowledge it, does he even remember??

And I don’t know how to help mum besides giving her a place she can stay when she needs to, and being a shoulder for her. It feels like I’m not doing enough. So I feel guilty about that too.

I hate that this keeps happening. It’s such a horrible, horrible addiction (but I suppose any addiction is). I hate that we’ve reached out for help but unless he wants to take some responsibility and get some help too, people can’t do anything for us. I hate I don’t know how to help him.

I keep hearing about family friends or friends of friends who gave up drinking after some incident happened. SO MANY THINGS HAVE HAPPENED and there’s no sign of him giving up drinking. I know I sound like a teenager but it’s just NOT FAIR that things have gotten so bad and they just keep getting worse because he won’t, and doesn’t want to GET IT!

I am so weak that I annoy myself too. I have said I want nothing more to do with him and then I feel sorry for him and I check on him and I keep talking to him instead of cutting off all contact with him.

Sorry for the vent, but this is my blog after all, and having dealt with this getting progressively worse for a couple of years now, I can’t keep his ‘shame’ a secret anymore.