It’s amazing how quickly my mood can drop with one single phone call to mum. I simply don’t understand alcoholism, so I don’t understand why dad keeps doing this. He went for two weeks this time without drinking. Despite this happening before, and then him going on another bender, I stupidly, naively, thought that this time maybe things might be different. I don’t know why I keep thinking that. Each time I do, I just get disappointed, and this was no exception. I stupidly thought that maybe this time, he might realise how destructive his behaviour is and how it is tearing the family apart, and that we all love him if he just behaved like he used to. Clearly I was wrong.
And I don’t understand the addiction, I just don’t. It just makes me angry. I just keep asking myself, is life with us so awful that he needs to keep pushing us away? What have we done? We’ve shed so many tears, had so many sleepless nights, hell, I’ve even cleaned up his vomit on more than one occasion, and for what? Does he even acknowledge it, does he even remember??
And I don’t know how to help mum besides giving her a place she can stay when she needs to, and being a shoulder for her. It feels like I’m not doing enough. So I feel guilty about that too.
I hate that this keeps happening. It’s such a horrible, horrible addiction (but I suppose any addiction is). I hate that we’ve reached out for help but unless he wants to take some responsibility and get some help too, people can’t do anything for us. I hate I don’t know how to help him.
I keep hearing about family friends or friends of friends who gave up drinking after some incident happened. SO MANY THINGS HAVE HAPPENED and there’s no sign of him giving up drinking. I know I sound like a teenager but it’s just NOT FAIR that things have gotten so bad and they just keep getting worse because he won’t, and doesn’t want to GET IT!
I am so weak that I annoy myself too. I have said I want nothing more to do with him and then I feel sorry for him and I check on him and I keep talking to him instead of cutting off all contact with him.
Sorry for the vent, but this is my blog after all, and having dealt with this getting progressively worse for a couple of years now, I can’t keep his ‘shame’ a secret anymore.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Monday, August 08, 2011
Not Mel time at all
As seems to be the case lately, my intentions of updating this blog more regularly, including a few posts about our honeymoon in New Zealand, have fallen by the wayside. I still intend to write about our honeymoon but that will now involve referring to our itinerary and guide books so rather than research right now, I thought I should at least post something in the short term.
I have taken a fair bit of time off from work this year with the best intentions, making myself a list of what I planned to achieve and having grand illusions of lots of time for me. This is now my second week back at work and unfortunately my grand plans fizzled for a couple of reasons.
The first was that my dad decided to be a complete jerk. Without going into detail, because of him, my first week of leave was good, second week shit, third week good, and then weeks 4-6 were crap again. His behaviour resulted in my mum staying over our house for a few days, something I think will likely happen again in the near future until she decides to formally leave him and find somewhere that she can settle more permanently. I didn’t mind having her stay with us though, she’s a nice house guest to have.
The other thing that happened in my last 3 weeks was that my grandma, who has lived on her own for 17 years and was diagnosed with dementia a couple of years ago, had a fall and was taken to the hospital. When she was found she was conscious but couldn’t get up, and the bathroom had stuff thrown everywhere so she must have been in a very confused state before her fall. It was decided that it was no longer safe for her to live on her own so the hospital kept her while the social worker helped us find a nursing home for her. My aunt from QLD and my uncle from VIC came across to help mum with organising things and cleaning out my gran’s unit. Gran has now been in the nursing home for about a week and a half. She’s slowly settling in but has said a few times she wants to go home, so it’s been sad. But the nursing home is great and it will be the best for her in the long run.
So now I’m back at work and Uni has also started again which means starting work at 7am 4 out of 5 days, so I am perpetually tired and think I may have been too ambitious trying to do 3 subjects this semester instead of 2 but we’ll see how we go. All 3 are really interesting though so at least that helps.
Perhaps I can have some Mel time in the near future…
I have taken a fair bit of time off from work this year with the best intentions, making myself a list of what I planned to achieve and having grand illusions of lots of time for me. This is now my second week back at work and unfortunately my grand plans fizzled for a couple of reasons.
The first was that my dad decided to be a complete jerk. Without going into detail, because of him, my first week of leave was good, second week shit, third week good, and then weeks 4-6 were crap again. His behaviour resulted in my mum staying over our house for a few days, something I think will likely happen again in the near future until she decides to formally leave him and find somewhere that she can settle more permanently. I didn’t mind having her stay with us though, she’s a nice house guest to have.
The other thing that happened in my last 3 weeks was that my grandma, who has lived on her own for 17 years and was diagnosed with dementia a couple of years ago, had a fall and was taken to the hospital. When she was found she was conscious but couldn’t get up, and the bathroom had stuff thrown everywhere so she must have been in a very confused state before her fall. It was decided that it was no longer safe for her to live on her own so the hospital kept her while the social worker helped us find a nursing home for her. My aunt from QLD and my uncle from VIC came across to help mum with organising things and cleaning out my gran’s unit. Gran has now been in the nursing home for about a week and a half. She’s slowly settling in but has said a few times she wants to go home, so it’s been sad. But the nursing home is great and it will be the best for her in the long run.
So now I’m back at work and Uni has also started again which means starting work at 7am 4 out of 5 days, so I am perpetually tired and think I may have been too ambitious trying to do 3 subjects this semester instead of 2 but we’ll see how we go. All 3 are really interesting though so at least that helps.
Perhaps I can have some Mel time in the near future…
Sunday, April 17, 2011
I'm now a Mrs
Before I start my major travel diary of our honeymoon in New Zealand, it would be prudent to update my blog to account for the fact that Glen and I were married on April 3rd! It was such a fantastic day that I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.
The week leading up to the wedding was pretty busy with last minute appointments and some family staying with us, and before we knew it the big weekend had arrived. After planning for 18 months and telling people we were getting married in April which seemed so far away, it started to feel surreal to change the answer to "next weekend", or "this Sunday".
On the Friday night before (April 1st) we had a BBQ at home for a few family and friends. Neither of us really wanted a big bucks or hens night so the BBQ was the go instead. Thanks to my awesome bridesmaids, we didn't even have to worry about setting up or cleaning up, and thanks to mother nature it was a cool but rain-free weekend.
On Saturday night Glen went to Mum and Dad's and Michelle, Maria and Susanna slept over for a girly night. We talked, ate, and painted some nails and I didn't sleep much at all but that was more from excitement than from nerves.
Sunday morning was an early start, with the girls from Crazy Beautiful arriving to do our hair and makeup around 9am. The flowers were soon delivered by Minnow on Seaview and Crazy Beautiful did a fantastic job on all us girls including the flowergirls. Everyone looked stunning. The morning flew and it wasn't long before Glenn Hawke arrived to take our photos. The limo from Renaissance Limousines arrived at 2pm and this was the only time the day dragged on - the time between the limo arriving and us actually leaving for the 3pm service.
Amazingly, I was not nervous at all all morning, until the limo pulled up at Sfera's. Then the nerves got me a little. Amicus Strings played beautiful music for our guests and before I knew it, it was time to walk down the aisle to a string quartet version of 'Today' by Smashing Pumpkins. Dad and I made it down the aisle without drama (thank God) and I finally got to hold Glen's hands and look into his calming eyes.
Diana Woods had prepared a beautiful ceremony. Somehow I managed not to shed any tears despite coming close a couple of times. With the formalities over and me now becoming Mrs Cunningham, we went and had photos taken at Penfold's Winery and Magill University before heading back to Sfera's Sunset Room for our reception.
Everything looked exactly as I'd imagined and it looked as though people were having a good time. We did try to get around and talk to everyone but unfortunately, even with not too many guests, we didn't get halfway around the room before people started leaving. I guess being a Sunday night made it difficult for some. The feedback from guests so far has been good so I hope it wasn't a dud of a night.
Our first dance was to 'Close to You' by the Carpenters and unfortunately, despite all the lessons from Dancecorp before the big day, our nerves still got the better of us and we stuffed up a few times hehehe. Oh well!
We spent the wedding night at Sfera's in a beautiful room with a massive spa which was fantastic for soothing my aching feet before bed. And, my dear husband, saved me from painful eye infection by spending about 20 minutes trying to remove my contact lenses for me which I was unable to do due to the false nails I'd had put on. Bless him, he succeeded! Not the most romantic way to spend our first moments alone as husband and wife though hahaha!
On Tuesday morning we were picked up from home to be taken to the airport at 8am (!) so we didn't have much time at home after the wedding at all. New Zealand has been amazing, but all that's to come in future blog posts. Photos will also be collated from friends who were at the wedding as well as Glenn Hawke when we return to Adelaide so will be posted in a few weeks.
If you made it to the end of this post, well done!
PS I really miss our cats :(
The week leading up to the wedding was pretty busy with last minute appointments and some family staying with us, and before we knew it the big weekend had arrived. After planning for 18 months and telling people we were getting married in April which seemed so far away, it started to feel surreal to change the answer to "next weekend", or "this Sunday".
On the Friday night before (April 1st) we had a BBQ at home for a few family and friends. Neither of us really wanted a big bucks or hens night so the BBQ was the go instead. Thanks to my awesome bridesmaids, we didn't even have to worry about setting up or cleaning up, and thanks to mother nature it was a cool but rain-free weekend.
On Saturday night Glen went to Mum and Dad's and Michelle, Maria and Susanna slept over for a girly night. We talked, ate, and painted some nails and I didn't sleep much at all but that was more from excitement than from nerves.
Sunday morning was an early start, with the girls from Crazy Beautiful arriving to do our hair and makeup around 9am. The flowers were soon delivered by Minnow on Seaview and Crazy Beautiful did a fantastic job on all us girls including the flowergirls. Everyone looked stunning. The morning flew and it wasn't long before Glenn Hawke arrived to take our photos. The limo from Renaissance Limousines arrived at 2pm and this was the only time the day dragged on - the time between the limo arriving and us actually leaving for the 3pm service.
Amazingly, I was not nervous at all all morning, until the limo pulled up at Sfera's. Then the nerves got me a little. Amicus Strings played beautiful music for our guests and before I knew it, it was time to walk down the aisle to a string quartet version of 'Today' by Smashing Pumpkins. Dad and I made it down the aisle without drama (thank God) and I finally got to hold Glen's hands and look into his calming eyes.
Diana Woods had prepared a beautiful ceremony. Somehow I managed not to shed any tears despite coming close a couple of times. With the formalities over and me now becoming Mrs Cunningham, we went and had photos taken at Penfold's Winery and Magill University before heading back to Sfera's Sunset Room for our reception.
Everything looked exactly as I'd imagined and it looked as though people were having a good time. We did try to get around and talk to everyone but unfortunately, even with not too many guests, we didn't get halfway around the room before people started leaving. I guess being a Sunday night made it difficult for some. The feedback from guests so far has been good so I hope it wasn't a dud of a night.
Our first dance was to 'Close to You' by the Carpenters and unfortunately, despite all the lessons from Dancecorp before the big day, our nerves still got the better of us and we stuffed up a few times hehehe. Oh well!
We spent the wedding night at Sfera's in a beautiful room with a massive spa which was fantastic for soothing my aching feet before bed. And, my dear husband, saved me from painful eye infection by spending about 20 minutes trying to remove my contact lenses for me which I was unable to do due to the false nails I'd had put on. Bless him, he succeeded! Not the most romantic way to spend our first moments alone as husband and wife though hahaha!
On Tuesday morning we were picked up from home to be taken to the airport at 8am (!) so we didn't have much time at home after the wedding at all. New Zealand has been amazing, but all that's to come in future blog posts. Photos will also be collated from friends who were at the wedding as well as Glenn Hawke when we return to Adelaide so will be posted in a few weeks.
If you made it to the end of this post, well done!
PS I really miss our cats :(
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Some photos
Here's some photos from our trip to the Barossa. We started at Seppeltfield, a quick trip to Peter Lehman's, then had a private tasting with Shaun Kalleske on one of his properties, and finished off the day at Rockford's Stonewall cellar. Was a fantastic day!
Friday, February 04, 2011
The week that was
This week has absolutely flown! Last Saturday Ivan and Miyuki came around to hang out and catch up. We watched Social Network (pretty good once it got going) and I must thank Miyuki for driving me to OPSM at Elizabeth when I couldn't get my contact lenses out. Day one of my contact lens trial was a bit of a failure! Sunday was my homework day. I got everything finished by about 2pm so spent the rest of the day not knowing what to do with myself. So used to having some kind of homework hanging over me, the next 6 months will be blissful!
Work has been crazy busy and I have a lot of things to get done before my leave starts at the end of March but I am really enjoying what I'm doing at the moment, the group of people I work with are great, and I'm far less stressed despite knowing there is lots to be done. I used to come home from work and keep thinking about it and staying up at night stressing, but so far I am really loving this change. Perhaps the paycut was a blessing in disguise! I'm also hoping work will agree to let me work one day a week with our communications unit so I can get some experience beyond the studies. We shall see.
It feels like this week was so busy and flew and yet, when I sit to write about it, it seems like nothing. Plus I now can't recall all the things I was going to write about.
Tomorrow we're off to the Barossa and then we're having people staying in our spare room for the first time since we bought the house. Suppose I'd better clean up a little!
Work has been crazy busy and I have a lot of things to get done before my leave starts at the end of March but I am really enjoying what I'm doing at the moment, the group of people I work with are great, and I'm far less stressed despite knowing there is lots to be done. I used to come home from work and keep thinking about it and staying up at night stressing, but so far I am really loving this change. Perhaps the paycut was a blessing in disguise! I'm also hoping work will agree to let me work one day a week with our communications unit so I can get some experience beyond the studies. We shall see.
It feels like this week was so busy and flew and yet, when I sit to write about it, it seems like nothing. Plus I now can't recall all the things I was going to write about.
Tomorrow we're off to the Barossa and then we're having people staying in our spare room for the first time since we bought the house. Suppose I'd better clean up a little!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Drama
So many family dramas yesterday! Was a really bad day with my Dad who won't look after himself and then blames the rest of us, despite all we try and do to help. He's a grown man who needs to take some responsibility! But that is an entirely long story I don't want to get into this morning. But it was already a bad family day and then my sister and I had an argument on the phone which remains unresolved. Suffice to say, I got no homework done last night as a result because I simply couldn't concentrate. So I have to cram this last assignment this weekend, gah!
Ivan and Miyuki are coming to visit today which I am looking forward to because I really need to unwind. It means tomorrow I'll probably go to Uni and use the computers there so I am away from distractions and can get this blasted thing done, but that's ok. I may be an expert at procrastinating, but I'm also fantastic at finishing things off that need to be, haha. Although I must admit to being a little panicked at the moment...
At the moment I'm just waiting for Glen to wake so we can go get our grocery shopping over and done with before we return to the comfort of our air conditioning. I hate hot weather, next few days are going to suck and blow!
Ivan and Miyuki are coming to visit today which I am looking forward to because I really need to unwind. It means tomorrow I'll probably go to Uni and use the computers there so I am away from distractions and can get this blasted thing done, but that's ok. I may be an expert at procrastinating, but I'm also fantastic at finishing things off that need to be, haha. Although I must admit to being a little panicked at the moment...
At the moment I'm just waiting for Glen to wake so we can go get our grocery shopping over and done with before we return to the comfort of our air conditioning. I hate hot weather, next few days are going to suck and blow!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Just over 9 weeks to go!
That's how long there is before our wedding. I can't believe it is so close! A year ago, I had a goal to lose 30 kilos by the time the wedding rolled around. Now the wedding is so close, I'll be lucky if I lose 5 :( Typical bloody Mel... I know my dress will look nice, just wanted to look nice for the photos, that's all. Never mind...
I can't believe January is almost finished. After this month, I'll be having 6 months off Uni as a bit of a break around the wedding and honeymoon. It'll be nice to have a break but I doubt it will free up much time. There is so much to do around the house before the wedding. We still have boxes of stuff we haven't unpacked - terrible! Not to mention the never-ending spiders and webs which seem to keep infiltrating our living space. Having big gum trees around is nice to look at, and hearing the birds is quite relaxing, but anything with more than four legs can GO AWAY!!!
Anyway, so my book buying addiction has not disappeared, but I genuinely am trying! I now have 166 books in the bookshelves that have not yet been read, but I've borrowed 2 books from my sister, am on a waiting list for 3 from the library, and I'm putting together a book club at work which will be using more library books, so I don't see this number of 166 dropping any time soon.
Oh, and then there's all the magazines...
I can't believe January is almost finished. After this month, I'll be having 6 months off Uni as a bit of a break around the wedding and honeymoon. It'll be nice to have a break but I doubt it will free up much time. There is so much to do around the house before the wedding. We still have boxes of stuff we haven't unpacked - terrible! Not to mention the never-ending spiders and webs which seem to keep infiltrating our living space. Having big gum trees around is nice to look at, and hearing the birds is quite relaxing, but anything with more than four legs can GO AWAY!!!
Anyway, so my book buying addiction has not disappeared, but I genuinely am trying! I now have 166 books in the bookshelves that have not yet been read, but I've borrowed 2 books from my sister, am on a waiting list for 3 from the library, and I'm putting together a book club at work which will be using more library books, so I don't see this number of 166 dropping any time soon.
Oh, and then there's all the magazines...
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